Sunday, March 11, 2012

feeling like shit again today. I have just been eating everythng in my path. I only workedout once all week last week and ate a lot over thr weekend. I am just on like one big binge fest. I only have 112 days till I want to reach my ugw or atleast be down to 120. I feel so sick and disgusted with myself lately.  I don't know why I can't seem to gain control like I did before. I want to be able to dress nice and feel confindent when I am out or naked ( lol )   I just want a nice body. really really badly. I need really get control of myself badly.  I have been so depressed lately and I know its soley because of my weight. I went of my birth control the other day and I do feel less bloated which is nice because that was causing my tummy to be all gross and puffed up.  Now its better. I am going to bed at 138.7 tonight.
Hopefully I can report with some sort of success tomorrow.

stay strong xx

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

its good to be back

I can finally access my blog again , its been over a year trying to figure out how to get back in.
I am so beyond depressed. I am so fat and gross and ugh. I have a boyfriend I should be happy. Hes lovely and tells me pretty much everything a girl would want to hear. I just don't beleive him. at all. I am way to fat and disgusting to believe it. I know what I really look like. I bought a new bathing suit and everything but I am still fat. I have been eating decent but not good . I have been eating.....  which is bad. I keep looking at pictures of skinny girls and feeling like crap and watching skinny girls walk around. They don't know what they have. They are perfect. I am the most jealous person eer. I can't type fast enough to let out all that I am feeling and have been feeling like for so long. I felt okay before I got a boyfriend .  Now I just feel like I let myself go and gain "boyfriend weight" and it sucks. Im rambling I realize but I can't even put down what I am trying to explain. I give up. UGH

Friday, May 27, 2011


Im watching say yes to the dress : big bliss.  pretty much a nicer word for fat people. I feel like im going to need to be on that show. Lastnight the first night of my starting new diet i was doing well and then I went to my friends house and they ordered pizza.  ofcourse i do not like pizza toppings at all including the cheese.  so I just rip it all off and eat the bread... haha , so a few less calories right?  today was alright. I had ceral and wasnt hungry but then i got bored and was watching weedding shows and they had all the food and cake and what not so i had some veggie soup and crackers and then later i had a medium ice cofffe from mcdonalds. its the only thing i make an exception for from my "no fast food" rule its a 1.12 right now haha . anyways,  i made maccaroni but didnt eat any cause it was gross..but now im going to a party later tonnight which means alcohol.........................i fail .

once again.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


Jesus,  Its like I just fell off the face of the earth.  All motivation out the window. So much shit went down in the last few months I lost complete focus on my one goal. losing weight. im back now ! 
In the past 3 weeks I think I've done the worst damage.  I recently got into a relationship . Nicest boy ever ! (: but the more comfortable I get around the more I start to eat.  I need to NOT eat.  Ive been writing down everything im eating... and it makes me feel more and more disgusting the more shit i put on the list.   I have a really ugly stomach now cause the of the massive food baby that is sitting in there. I was doing the gym like almost everyday there but for some reason that started to dimish . its hard to get up and do it everyday . .but nothing is easy.   I need to get my eating under control first then move onto excersise.  if i do it all at once I will fail.  baby steps...... Here we go.

the dream...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


sorry i havent been keeping up with this lately.
I have nothing to tell you besides im fat as all hell .
i fell so disgusted with myself.  i stare at myself in the mirror for hours and just wish i could slice open every
part of me and just pull out all the fat.

IM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED.  im doing everything i can!

Thursday, February 10, 2011


today today today. what can i tell you about today.  it was fucking never ending it felt. We had some dumb promotional thing at work. so it was just crazy as all hell and the line up never ended. good lord. a lot of stupid effing people too.  I just wanted to jump over the counter and shake them!  eff . sorry kind of pissed cause im mad at my eating habits!
1/4cup Potatoe Salad
1/2cup of Soup
1/4th of a cookie...hardest thing to throw away ever.

and just now I had eggs on toast.
wtf is wrong with me.  Now I just want to shake myself.. for being so effing stupid about my choices!

my feeeeeeeeeet hurt so much! and I need to go to the gym!

I do not know what to do.
workout at home?
go to the gym?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


I dont really feel like typing today, haha im lazy. maybe because of my lack of engery right now.
I ate well..minus the 370cal slip up.  fucking tricky ass food! I worked out hard though..

today was good! still at 140 :) 
time for some pretty girls