sorry!

Dear myself,

you fucking suck.  i hate you. your fat and ugly. you fail all the time. you will never be good enough. stop making excuses. get your ass up and moving. stop eating. stop feeling sorry for yourself. do something about it. do something right not. stop saying your going to do it, fuck up and give up. stick it out. i promise when that day comes you will be truly happy.

Alright alright, besides that.
I have just...well I don't know what the fuck I'm doing to be honest. I managed the ABC diet for all of ten days... fuck. I suck. I've been like binging hard.. like literally eating without thinking at all. I've been buying a lot of food..which means its usually fast food.  Just now I had pasta, red bull and yogurt. I've been eating sugar like its air.  So many little treats around my house cause its effing Christmas time (EVEN THOUGH CHRISTMAS MAKES ME EXTREMELY HAPPY)  I have no excuses. I've just been unfocused and waaaaaaaaaaaaay to lenient with myself. So my plan to be skinny and happy at my boxing day party will probably fail.. Maybe I can be skinny and pretty for the concert I'm going to in April? that gives me a good 4 months. If I can't make a change in that time..then I should just.. I don't know.  Jump off a bridge? Get hit by a train? I do not want to be this way forever.  I can feel myself getting so flabby. At least when I was playing multiple sports I was strong and muscular. Mind you I was still flabby here and there but my body had a good use. Now, I'm just playing baseball. Yes, it is the lazy man's sport. I basically exercise once a week..but now that's stopping because of Christmas break... WHY DO I HAVE NO WILL POWER OR SELF DISCIPLINE?! I miss my text message buddy :( I want her to start texting me again ! She kept me motivated.

I think I will do some crunches or sit ups right now.

someone please tell me I can do this

and Santa..Please bring me a boyfriend.. I don't want to be alone anymore..

fast

today was my fasting day ! and i passed almost.. i might just chill in bed for the rest of the night as to not tempt myself haha .

Im going to the states this weekend and im pretty stoked.. I hate shopping for clothes however.. so i probably wont be getting anything new.




uhm christmas is so effing soon, i am so so so so so excited to shop for presents for people!


I really neeed to step it up even more so I can lose more weight before the 26th . boxing day/christmas party that day .

harrypotter

I saw harry potter lastnight.. SO SO SO SO SO SO GOOOOOD. I'm just all around happy today happy happy happy. I know I should not have but i weighed myself like 4 times today through the day once right now actually and the scale says 138.8. :D I'm under 140! hopefully never to see them again ! all I had today was a sippin strawberries Jugo Juice that is 140cals and a slice of cheese and tonight I have baseball in 1 and 45 minutes and then straight home and then too the movies to see..HARRY POTTER AGAIN! cause it was "bloody brilliant" (..ahah) and cause my friend hasn't seen it yet and I said I would go with him.. and on Saturday ALEXISONFIRE! yay !

just feelin good...

badday

 this is what I should have had...

I have not had a positive blog title yet I dont think..
theres really no reason too... i had lots of crap today i should not have...
 not a lot to say today. 

fuck.

Icandothis..ithink...

today was a fail.. suprise suprise.. it was all good until dinner and my family wanted to go out cause they all came to pick me up from work.. i knew this would happen ! GAH .
i tried to pick something light but they gave me this strange look and talking too like I was ridiculous for even trying to eat healthy.. and thought I wasn't eating or something.. good lord... my family is super healthy..which is why I found it kind of weird that they questioned my choice in fooood.  So I got like a veggie burger meal thing... ugh. it was like 670 cals... plus what I ate today greek salad and some egg plus 3 sips of a vanilla steam milk.. 150 cals I think.. anyways, to day I ended up being way over my 300 cal limit and tomorrow is the "weigh in" and I will have nothing to show for it.. UGH. I just want progress tomorrow is a nothing kind of day so I shall try my best to eat nothing even though my limit is like 400 or 100 or something I dont know.


on a lighter note I have a new inspiration.. my sister.
She used to be rather curvey in highschool like a size 7 or 9 not the flattest stomach but still skinny but just really curvey and after a few years of being away from home shes (23) 5 years older than me she is now stick thin  tiny tiny tiny waist and legs.. and I just want to be like that... the only thing is she eats like a freakin horrrrrrrrrrrrse! like shes hungry all the time and eats like every 3 hours... SO. UNFAIR.



I should really stop complaining cause this is really all my fault..

tomorrow is a new day..

fuckfuckfuck

i thought i was going to make it to day two... but I couldn't even do that. I did end up buying my new scale though.. although I don't like the number it flashed at me.... but im not weighing myself again till the 21 so Sunday... that means I have one day.. fuck . Anyways,  it has like my goal weight and shows me how far I am from it and junkkk.  pretty cooooooool.     I've decided to try and be less scale obsessed and just do it on my set "weigh in"days.  

for my ABC diet, I passed the first day.. today was 500 again.. and It started off bad
 Soup = 200
Skinny Almond Steamed Milk 110
Half a tim's veggie sandwich 150

I got home and was doing perfectly fine until I hungout with my friends whoooooo love to eat food around me so I had some cherry tomatoes and a manderine orangee...
and then at like 1030 we went to Tim Hortons.. and I had a steep tea, vanilla dip donut and chedder bagel....
590...
I almost at 1000 calories today...

day 2 fail.

success

Kay well today was going swell cause I only had a banana between 630am and 1130. and then on my second break i gave into my temptations and had a damn toasted cheddar bagel from Tim Hortons.  Why I couldn't just walk away with my bottle water is beyond me. Anyways.. I came home and had about 10 crispy mini chips..and then about 3 scoops of mashed potatoes and then I just couldn't eat anymore thinking about it being in my body was enough for me. Today at work i realized how much shit peoples actually put into there bodies.. I'm not saying everyone should stay away from doughnuts and what not but people that especially don't need it should for instance: A girl in her mid 20's I'd say came in she looked to be about 250 maybe more orders Potato bacon soup with a cheddar bagel with butter then a triple chocolate doughnut and a large french vanilla . dear god.  enough calories or what?! As mean as this may sound.. she motivated me not be that way.  Anyways, that scoop of potato is my last bit of food till tomorrow ! but.. tomorrow I'm working tims too.. I wonder if I can just stick it out.  No No No. I will stick it out.  

thank the loooooooord for the buddy system

letsgoletsgo!

im doing the abc diet starting tomorrow.  I'm doing it with a buddy . im very excited.  I feel like it will be relatively easy seeing as my parents don't make me dinner cause im a veg and there not.  so that whole parent questioning me thing is out the window .   :)

so so excited! 

today's unnecessary consumption

spoonful of vanilla yogurt

cup of iceberg lettuce with balsamic

veggie samosa (small)

bottled water

half coke zero..

veggie burger + fries.. ewe.. i dont want to know

DINNER ALWAYS WINS!

>:(

shortposttonightagain . sorry.

timhortons

is the devil . I hate how im allowed to have free foood  ! atleast on my second break I had the strength to just drink a bottle of water...  I was doing so good from 530 lastnight till 1130 today. and then I had a half a small icecap 55 calories and then garden veggie 310... and then i just had a lean cuisine for 270... i fail.
that is all.



635...(puke)   im going to baseball tonight.. hopefully burn off a few 




quick update  9:26 pm 

 sweated like a goddamn pig ( cause i am one.. duh! ) 
came home and ate 4 Cherry tomatoes and 4 slices of cucumber and a manderine orange.. chugged a huge glass of water.. 
i feel like im always heavier after i come from a workout.. i love my morning weight it makes me happy.. and motivated for the day.. 

tomorrow will be different.. jesus christ .. im like peter when he kept crying wolf? only istead of being eaten.. ill become obese... lovely

help

the title basically says it all . I need help. or just not to be so weak. Today was good or bad? I don't really know. Started it off with half a cup of raisin bran and half a cup of milk. I worked today so on my first break I had an 8 oz soup that was almost all broth.. and a few veggies in the bottom then for my other break I attempted to eat a spinach salad with a scoop of beans, 3 cucumber slices and three tomato slices and then when I got home at 3:00 I had another lean cuisine it was shrimp Alfredo :) verry fillingggggg 280 calories ! and then I failed... and had some fudge and a glass of milk. I will not eat between 6pm and 9am . Oh, and I really really want this...

I know it seems really weird to get a biggest loser sscale and I feel like there is to much going on on the screeeeen but you can put your goal into it and it reads percentage lost and its just fun... in a weird way :) 

it will be hopefully one of the best purchases I will makeee.. tomorrow is going to be hard for not eating.. im going to be at TH and thats bad.. they don't have anything healthy there.. at all.

okay

today was an okay kind of day eating wise of course. I recently discovered lean cuisine. They are really yummy and I think a nice transition from large amounts of food to smaller amounts.  It was a total of 280 calories and then just now I had a small salad and then a little slice of cheese. They salad was gross so i haven't actually finished it . Yay. My only downfall today was a glass of milk and a slice of fudge. My damn sweet tooth again. I really really want to lose a bunch of weight for boxing day cause there is this party that I go to every year and they constantly talk about how much I've changed. So lets give them something to talk about....and so that I can look nice on new years..  I also went to Walmart today so that I could add to my Christmas movie collection.  I absolutely love Christmas. I mean that actual day kind of sucks but the build up to it the lights, wrapping presents, Christmas specials on tv, how busy it gets around town, the Grinch,  buying presents for people, snow! , decorating the Christmas tree, Christmas Starbucks cups and when the malls and town centers decorate! Pretty much I love everything about christmas except the actually day cause then I know its over and I have to countdown another 365 days till the next one :(

so excited...

stop

beautiful.

Tonight was disgusting. I know I keep complain/talking about wanting to be thin and now I really just have to get up and do it. I mean going to an all you can eat joint isn't going to help.. although it was sushi... so it wasn't like super fatty foods, but sushi isn't as healthy as everyone thinks. I wish it was.. then I would and could literally eat it everyday. I don't know if you have noticed by now but I'm slightly obsessed with legs. Skinny legs is the one thing I wish for most... then arms then stomach.. I often wonder if this goal is even possible for me. I have no self discipline at all and that's just sad. I also wonder if when I am happy with the way my body looks then I will maybe possibly get a boyfriend? or even like a boy or have a boy like me... I sound like I'm twelve or something and hoping for a crush.. but goodness it has been so long.. since I've liked anyone.. I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.. literally. I'm going to be one of those people who goes to speed dating, has like profiles on 90 different dating websites and never has children. I don't like kids all that much now, but I would like to have some.... I don't even know what I'm going on about anymore. Sorry.

can't love someone else till you love yourself..

Ridiculous!

Anyone think that eating two hamburgers in slightly ridiculous..
I certainly do.. yet yesterday I went and did it. how attractive.. the first meal was "breakfast" from McDonalds.. it consisted of a fishy burger, a drink and some fries... then I went home and built Ikea furniture for about 6 hours! wtf. I only bought 2 things... anyways. im caloric intake for yesterday was a whopping.. 1534 calories. how despicable. i am disgusting..  today i didn't eat though.. actually that's a lie. I got starbucks  Grande peppermint soy latte..  and im going to all you can eat sushi tonight.. but I never eat all I can because that's a gross amount of food ... Sunday I promise I will do better..

I Promise...

desire

Tonight my cravings took over my thought process when it came to my consumption of food. I was doing very well for awhile after all my sports ended. I was eating less mostly because my body didn't need the energy and my weight down by ten pounds! I was so excited when I saw the scale. I mean who wouldn't be? Well now I've gone and ruined it.  I'm at 142 right now at 10:55 pm. horrible.  I got way to comfortable eating.. and now I have to stop that... I've done it before and I can do it again I think . I just need some hard discipline. I'm happy my job requires me to stand all day and run back and fourth for 6 - 8 hours a day, but I'm not happy I get free food as a perk on my breaks... I try to stick to the salad.. but sugar is my... kryptonite so to speak.  Basically, I've gotten quite flabby and gross.. and I tried to get a personal trainer but I couldn't afford it.. too much money.

I can do this.

Goodnight!  

So Sad :(

I am so sad I had to make a new blog because I couldn't get into my old one. Now I have to go back and find all my friends my last one.. :(  UGH  !